My Week Without Internet

I have carried my shame with me for the last several years. Specifically, I have carried my shame in my pocket. But now, it is finally time to confess to the world: I still do not have a smartphone. I have never had a smartphone; instead, I have a slide phone. It can text and make phone calls and, occasionally, send and receive pictures, and that is about it. The list of things that my dumbphone cannot do is long, but most of the items are covered by one word: internet. Last week I moved from Virginia to North Carolina into an apartment that was formerly sans internet access, so, lacking a smartphone with the ability to look up addresses and check out social media and such, I knew there would be a period of time in which I would have to survive without regular internet access. In order to catalog the experiences of this week, I kept a journal of what it was like to be internet-less. The text of the entries has been transcribed below.

The journal basically looks just like this. But with fewer drawings. And the pages are whiter. And it might have a metal spiral in the middle. But other than that, the exact same.

Day 1: Today was the day of the big move. Even though I brought some smaller stuff down over the weekend, today a good friend and I brought the rest in a U-Haul. I was also introduced to the rather oppressive summer heat and humidity of North Carolina all at once. Luckily, I only live on the second floor instead of some ludicrous third floor nonsense, so moving in was rough, but not excessively brutal. Today was also the first of several days that I will be at home and internet-less. I say internet-less rather than internet-free because I did not choose to abstain from the internet; rather, this choice was made for me. I would like to call the local internet service providers, but I have no way to look them up currently. Additionally, I would like to run later tonight, but it looks like it is going to storm and I have no way to check the radar for the weather. This may be a challenging week.

Little did I know that Airplane had based this on June in North Carolina.

Day 2: As soon as I stepped outside of the apartment complex to run last night, it started to pour. It sure would have been nice to have checked the weather report first and save myself the extra shower. Since I need to get a storage unit, research internet providers, and look up thrift stores, I took my five year old, slower than a sloth at naptime, laptop to Barnes and Noble to use their internet. Since I had already drank most of a full pot of coffee, I got a green tea Frappuccino (apparently I am basic) so that I didn’t feel guilty about using the free wifi. The great part about that old laptop is that, while it may be too slow to get anything done, at least the battery power runs out within an hour.  After desperately scratching some phone numbers and notes down, I spent the rest of the day on the phone listening to southern accents and hilarious new idioms (hopping mad?), yielding an internet set up date (Tuesday aka Day 7) and no good news on a storage unit. I’m going to make the best of my separation from online gaming and social media and catch up on a lot of the reading that I have been meaning to do.

Day 3: This whole internet-less thing isn’t so bad! I mean granted, it would be nice to queue up some Netflix or to play some video games with my friends or something, but I was able to read a book and a half today and hang out with the dogs, so that is pretty cool, I guess. And yeah, unpacking was a little tedious today since I had to do it without the ability to stream music, but I mean CD’s aren’t THAT tiresome to use. Okay, so maybe being internet-less is kind of inconvenient, but I only have four more days to get through. At least I made it through today without having to read any clickbait nonsense or complaint filled Facebook statuses…

It’s just so tempting to click the link!

Day 4: If I say something witty and cannot post it on Facebook or Twitter, is it really witty? How can I know if I am funny when there is no way for people to like or favorite the things that I say? I am tired of reading. I read another book today; that is three books in three days. I refuse to continue to go to Barnes and Noble and pay five bucks for a drink that I don’t really want, just so I can get a brief stint of guiltless internet activity. I have watched too many of the DVDs that I own, and I am struggling. I am starting to forget that my friends even have faces anymore.

This is what everyone looks like, right?

Day 5: I have unpacked all that I can stand to unpack. I have located a storage unit. I have read another book. I have tried to distract myself with movies or physical activity, but to no avail. I have started to communicate in hashtags. I fear that I am journeying down a dark, wifi-indicator-lightless path. #RoughDay

#Hashtags #Blessed

Day 6: I don’t know how long I have been here. Time starts to lose all meaning without Woman Crush Wednesdays or Throwback Thursdays. My journal says that it has only been six days since I have felt the Internet’s loving embrace, but it feels like an eternity. I long to update statuses, tell people that I feel blessed, and send my friends entertaining links. Today I had a thought: what if there was a video of baby animals or a funny skit that went viral in the past five days, but I did not see it? What if my friends are sending me hilarious pictures or tagging me in check-ins on Facebook? Dear God, what if the President finally got back to me about government sponsorship to sleep in and play video games all day, but the email is time sensitive and I missed it? I am afraid and terribly, terribly offline.

Day 7: If you are reading this, then I have not made it through this experience with my life or sanity intact. I hear noises from outside. The ground shakes…drums…drums on the stairs. I cannot get out. A shadow lurks outside my apartment. I cannot get out…they are coming.

They came to install the internet. I feel my humanity returning with each baby picture I see, each video I watch, each hashtag I read. The sun seems to shine a bit brighter and things appear to be looking up, but something is wrong. Something feels off about my internet connection. No. No, it can’t be. Why would they give me 10 MPS speed internet when I ordered 25 MPS? Why? I ORDERED 25! WILL THIS HELL NEVER END?!?

I give up.