You’re Not Crazy for Talking to Yourself, You’re Crazy for Answering

In an episode of How I Met Your Mother, one of the main characters (Marshall) finds a letter that he wrote to his adult self when he was fifteen. When I recently caught a re-run of this episode, it made me wonder what teenage Benn would say to adult Benn. But, since I am such a one upper, I imagined a conversation with ten year old Benn AND sixteen year old Benn. That’s way harder to picture than just one other person!

Adult Benn: Oh hey guys, good to see you!

16 Year Old Benn: Dude…you got fat.

10 Year Old Benn: Yeah!

Adult: I mean yeah, I’m bigger than you guys, but it isn’t that bad. I’m dropping extra weight now since practices start soon.

10 Year Old Benn: FOR YOUR HOCKEY TEAM???

Adult: Ummm…no. I never ended up learning to ice skate well enough to play hockey.

10 Year Old Benn: oh.

16 Year Old Benn: Are you playing football still at least??

Adult: Uh….not really. I stopped playing football when I graduated high school. I actually play rugby now!

16 Year Old Benn: That’s gay.

Adult: Do you even know what rugby is?

16 Year Old Benn: Yea man. It’s gay.

Adult: Right…so anyway…

16 Year Old Benn: Where are your sleeve tattoos? Shouldn’t you have flames around your wrists?

10 Year Old Benn: AND A HUGE DRAGON ON YOUR BACK!!!

Adult: Yeah guys I actually grew out of both of those ideas. I have tattoos, but I kept them where I could hide them under a t-shirt. Ya know, for jobs.

16 Year Old Benn: Sell out.

10 Year Old Benn: OH!! Are you a professional wrestler now? Do you make lots of money?

16 Year Old Benn: Dude, wrestling is dumb. Loser.

Adult: Yeah…no I’m definitely not a wrestler. I stopped watching wrestling when I was like 14.

16 Year Old Benn: Yeah, seriously. Besides you were always going to be a mechanic. No way you went to extra school after high school was over!

Adult: Um…I kinda went to college. For a while.

16 Year Old Benn: Dude seriously? For how long? You quit, right?

Adult: Well no. I graduated. And then I went back to get my master’s degree.

16 Year Old Benn: Wow. Tool.

10 Year Old Benn: YOU’RE A MASTER??? SO PEOPLE CALL YOU MASTER???

Adult: …people don’t really do that after you get a master’s degree…

16 Year Old Benn: You’re a master of being gay.

Adult: Seriously man? Is that the only word you know? Wait! I know you know more words! Stop using that one!

16 Year Old Benn: Heh heh…gay.

Adult: COME ON MAN!

10 Year Old Benn: Well what do you do? Are you an archaeologist? Do you get to dig up awesome dinosaur bones??

Adult: Sigh. I wish man. Don’t worry, no matter how old you get, dinosaurs stay awesome.

16 Year Old Benn: Are you like a business man? You’re your own boss right???

Adult: Actually I ended up becoming a teacher! Who would have guessed, right?

10 Year Old Benn: Boo!

16 Year Old Benn: Seriously? Ok, ok, are you at least teaching science or something cool?

Adult: I don’t teach science…

16 Year Old Benn: Business classes?

Adult: Actua –

10 Year Old Benn: P.E.!!!!!!

Adult: No, I –

10 Year Old Benn: RECESS!!!!

Adult: Dude no! Calm down! I teach…English.

10 and 16 year old Benn: ENGLISH?????

Adult: Yeah I know you hate it guys. It gets way better in college. Besides you both like to read.

10 Year Old Benn: Yeah I do!

16 Year Old Benn: No I don’t!

Adult: Don’t worry guys, you’ll enjoy it when you get here.

16 Year Old Benn: Ok…maybe we can still save this. Do you teach at like some cool school where you don’t have to get up until noon?

Adult: …I was up at 4:30 today.

16 Year Old Benn: You’re dead to me.

Adult: Do you realize the irony of that statement.

16 Year Old Benn: …gay.

10 Year Old Benn: Can we get ice cream?

So, in summary, 10 year old Benn was a ball of energy with ridiculous goals and no ability to focus on anything for more than five seconds. 16 year old Benn hates everything because it is all gay. Adult Benn hopes that his kids aren’t as big of jerks as he was. Who cares what a couple of punk kids think of me anyway?

What Has Me Burning Now

One word: accountability. Without some sense of consequences, the kids we teach and raise never adjust to the real world. There are lots of reasons to make excuses, but at what point are we just hamstringing the kids, permanently crippling the maturation process? I will readily admit that I almost didn’t graduate high school. I was lazy and unmotivated until I had a real reason to do work. I hated homework (sweet sweet irony), but always did well on tests and quizzes, so I usually pulled high C’s or low B’s. And then I almost found a way to fail my 12^th grade English class (yeah, the plot thickens). Mr. Tlumack was my English teacher and definitely one of the best teachers I have ever had. He did not baby me, he did not give me a packet of make up work; instead, he told me that I would fail if I didn’t do the work. He took a few minutes and explained to me why I was failing and what it meant for my future, especially considering that I had already been accepted to CNU. As I look around, I see the same conversation occurring with many of my co-workers with students (along with hearing about it at other schools). However, it doesn’t seem to be sticking the same way with these kids like it stuck with me. I feel like it has been a collaborative effort to ruin our kids, aided by the “participant trophy” generation, in which everyone has to be equal and everyone is a winner, and steadily relaxing standards (despite “standardized testing”). In the real world you do not get extensions on due dates, you do not get make up opportunities, and you do not get “participant trophies” when you lose a job to a better candidate. But luckily, we have standardized testing to tell us who is and is not good enough. Too bad our kids aren’t standardized, huh?

Let the Football Jargon Commence!

Last year during a professional development conference, a (former) co-worker and I discussed what round we would go in if teaching had an NFL style draft. As the discussion continued, we debated the Mel Kiper style pros and cons of each of our teaching abilities. I have since thought about that conversation and if there was a NTL (National Teaching League) draft, I came up with this as my prospect profile coming out of college:

Prospect: Benn Lynch (SE*)

Height: 5’10”

Weight: 190 lbs

College: CNU

Overview: Lynch is a fit for anywhere between 7^th grade and 10^th grade, with 8^th or 9^th being ideal. Has mostly middle school experience. Exhibits basic classroom management intangibles and natural ability, but sometimes relies too much on these developmental level skills to cover for incomplete planning. Lynch has shown flashes of brilliance that have piqued interest from several divisions.

Strengths: Lynch is very sound in his relationship building abilities. He is often able to diffuse situations and has a great “teacher voice” when necessary. Runs games well to hit bodily-kinesthetic learners. Creates teacher tools relatively easily and shows signs of lesson development creativity. Very involved in support of athletic events and shows strong coaching potential.

Weaknesses: Lynch’s biggest weakness is his over-confidence; he often appears to find himself in over his head, but does not seem interested in or able to accept help. Is not an “over-preparer” and does not show strong organizational skills. Has shown signs of chronic procrastination. Responds to suggestion and instruction, but extremely resistant to orders, which narrows the administrations he can succeed with. Does not have one of the strongest GPAs in this draft class.

Final Pick Analysis: Drafted in the late second round by Denbigh High School due mostly to potential abilities. Should be an immediate starter in 9^th grade English.

In all seriousness, I have spent a lot of time recently thinking about similarities and differences between teaching and the NFL. Here are four reasons why my job is harder than those of many NFL draftees:

1. Teachers are all immediate starters: There is no opportunity for me to sit for a year or two to develop behind an experienced starter and then take the reins when that teacher retires. The closest thing to that is student teaching, which is more like sitting behind a starter who gets injured in week one; you head in with some basic tools, but you’re taking over another starter’s team (students) mid-year and trying to test out what you are and are not good at. Even with that experience, you are still flying solo that first year.
2. Teachers are ALL expected to succeed: When you draft a player in the 7^th round of the draft, you hope he works out, but you don’t depend on it. When you hire a teacher, you expect him/her to work out. You are given help, but you’re the starter and you’re expected to be there every week of your contract.
3. Preparation vs Gameday: In a typical NFL week, you play on Sunday, have a break on Monday, and practice and prepare Tuesday to Saturday. In my typical teaching week, I “play” Monday to Friday, with each game followed by some extra practice and preparation after each game, and extra preparation on Sundays (I refuse to work on school work on Saturdays). During rugby season, add three 3-hour practices a week and most of Saturday mornings for games.
4. Competitive Salaries: Salary differences are a no-brainer with even practice squad players making more money than teachers. However, a major difference is salary competition. Typically, teacher salaries are on a scale basis, rather than a negotiated contract. The best teachers are often paid the same as the not so best if they are in the same district and have a similar number of years. If you do really well, you don’t get to hold out and renegotiate. You can always transfer to a different district, but there are no guarantees that your salary will truly increase when you add in a change in travel time or cost of living differences.

As I re-read all this, it almost seems like a lot of reasons not to be a teacher. They definitely aren’t; they are reasons that I am challenged more regularly than an NFL player. I can honestly say after almost a year and a half of teaching, I still love it. When I complain about little things, people ask me if I will stay in the profession and my response is almost always the same: of course. I honestly can’t see myself doing anything else right now or anytime in the near future. I would miss a lot of it, especially the coaching. Rugby practices start in less than a month and the season starts in exactly two months from today; I am already getting stoked to be back on the field! Oh, and I promise to try not to let months go by without an update again.

*SE = Secondary English